Thursday, July 19, 2012
where do we go from here?
But maybe the universe isn't just sending a message to those in danger; maybe it's sending a message to me, too. Maybe there isn't anything I can do; maybe I can't make things change, and maybe I can't make change a requirement of my happiness and peace of mind.
That's my lesson, and it's a hard one. It's one I don't want to learn; it's one I don't even want to consider learning. But I can't go around saying that the universe is telling us stuff and not listen to what it is telling me.
Even though it is true that someone I love is in danger unless changes are made, I can't make those changes happen. That's not a new revelation; the danger has been present for years, and my inability to change things has been shown to me over and over again. But it escalated this month; and I desperately want to be able to make those changes happen. The danger is so real, so present, and so visible to me; I can't believe that there is any other way of looking at it.
And that's when my reality clock started ticking . . . I've been on the other side of righteousness.
Nearly a year ago, a friend of mine needed me to change. She very clearly stated her terms, and I couldn't (wouldn't) make the changes she wanted me to make. These changes were very important to her; she did not want to remain friends with me unless I made them. I accepted her decision, and we parted ways. I don't regret not making those changes; she was asking me to be someone I didn't want to be. I thought her conditions were unfair, and I was hurt and angry that she didn't want me in her life unless I would be the person she wanted me to be. Why couldn't she just accept me the way I am? What's so terrible about me the way I am? Why should I have to be what she wanted me to be in order to be friends?
And now I must ask those questions of myself.
There aren't any guarantees, are there? While a dangerous lifestyle certainly increases the risk of getting hurt - or dead - pain, death, and disaster can also be random events, impacting even the most careful of us. No matter how well we arrange our world - no matter how much we do - things happen. I can't keep the people I love safe, I can't make them change, even when the changes I want are probably good ones. And I can't not love them, even when I don't like the choices they are making.
Open arms. Today, I will live with open arms.