Thursday, July 19, 2012

where do we go from here?

The universe has been sending challenges our way this month; that's my view of it, anyway. I like to see things that way; it keeps me feeling as if there is something I can do. Doing something is very important to me; I like to act. I don't like it when I think that there's nothing I can do in a given situation. Doing something makes me feel that I can change the things I don't like. And so I act. I try to fix things.

But maybe the universe isn't just sending a message to those in danger; maybe it's sending a message to me, too. Maybe there isn't anything I can do; maybe I can't make things change, and maybe I can't make change a requirement of my happiness and peace of mind.

That's my lesson, and it's a hard one. It's one I don't want to learn; it's one I don't even want to consider learning. But I can't go around saying that the universe is telling us stuff and not listen to what it is telling me.

Even though it is true that someone I love is in danger unless changes are made, I can't make those changes happen. That's not a new revelation; the danger has been present for years, and my inability to change things has been shown to me over and over again. But it escalated this month; and I desperately want to be able to make those changes happen. The danger is so real, so present, and so visible to me; I can't believe that there is any other way of looking at it.

And that's when my reality clock started ticking . . . I've been on the other side of righteousness.

Nearly a year ago, a friend of mine needed me to change. She very clearly stated her terms, and I couldn't (wouldn't) make the changes she wanted me to make. These changes were very important to her; she did not want to remain friends with me unless I made them. I accepted her decision, and we parted ways. I don't regret not making those changes; she was asking me to be someone I didn't want to be. I thought her conditions were unfair, and I was hurt and angry that she didn't want me in her life unless I would be the person she wanted me to be. Why couldn't she just accept me the way I am? What's so terrible about me the way I am? Why should I have to be what she wanted me to be in order to be friends?

And now I must ask those questions of myself.

There aren't any guarantees, are there? While a dangerous lifestyle certainly increases the risk of getting hurt - or dead - pain, death, and disaster can also be random events, impacting even the most careful of us. No matter how well we arrange our world - no matter how much we do - things happen. I can't keep the people I love safe, I can't make them change, even when the changes I want are probably good ones. And I can't not love them, even when I don't like the choices they are making.

Open arms. Today, I will live with open arms.




2 comments:

Twyla said...

Wow! Cindy I can't really express in words how profound I found your thoughts to be... but I needed to read them! Thank you!

NEDbeads said...

Always, you find your way to your center, to where your brain and your heart and your soul meet. I think that is where wisdom has always come from... I think you are wiser than you will ever know. You change things constantly - and are changing now as you wrote then and as you read my words now. You do what you can do, and the universe must take care of the rest.

You inspire me.