They look so innocent, sitting there.
Two dumbells, with five pounds on each side of each one, making twenty pounds total. When I first started using them, I couldn't believe how heavy they felt; there was no way I could finish all the repetitions in each set. But I've been persevering; each time I lift, I've been able to do a few more, and now I can do all of them.
Not easily - no, it's still a struggle, but it's supposed to be hard. If it were easy, I'd be wasting my time, right?
I've got six weeks left in my original four months of healthy eating and more exercise plan. I have no idea how much weight I've lost; I'm smaller, and that's a good thing, but I'm not where I want to be yet. I've got several more inches, and at least two or three more sizes, to lose before I'm at my fit and fighting weight.
I'm starting to really re-think my "weigh in date;" right now, I feel good about my progress, but I suspect that the number on the scale won't be nearly as low as I want it to be, and that would, I know, negate all the positives I'm listing and make me feel as though I've accomplished nothing.
That's pretty sad.
Here's the reality: Even though I'm not "there" yet, for the first time in quite a few years I'm not cringing and looking away as quickly as I can when I walk past a mirror. I'm not laying on my back on my bed and stuffing myself into "relaxed" jeans that are three sizes too small and pretending they fit, just to avoid buying a bigger size. My clothes actually have extra room in them; I need a belt to keep some of my jeans from falling down.
And still, the thought of seeing the number on the scale terrifies me.
Whatever it is, it won't be enough. My four-month plan covered 17 weeks. At one pound a week, that's a potential 17 lbs of weight lost; that amount would bring me half-way to my final goal. It sounded so reasonable when I started, but it is (forgive the pun) starting to weigh heavily on me now. What if I haven't lost nearly that much?
I'm scared of the scale; I'm afraid that it has the power to send me into despair and make me want to give up. Would it be cowardly to skip the weigh in and just keep going for another four months?
I've got six weeks to decide.