Tuesday, May 15, 2012
However, I'm good at brave. I'm brave nearly all of the time. You see, brave is going forward in the face of fear; brave is doing things even when you're terrified. Brave is living tense, squaring my shoulders, sticking out my jaw, and moving forward.
But brave isn't going to work this time. I want to sing. I want to sing as well as I possibly can, and that means being relaxed. It means letting go of my fears; it means being fearless while doing something that terrifies me.
I don't know how to do that.
I'm not just saying that; I really don't know what it feels like to be fearless. I've always lived in varying states of fear; I've always been brave to some extent or the other. It's not as grim as it sounds; it's the way I've always been, so I know how to deal with it. I'm actually reasonably comfortable with fear; I've grown very used to being brave, and being brave doesn't scare me.
Being fearless does frighten me, however. It's not something I have any experience with, it's not something I know how to do. It's uncharted territory for me; it's a new experience. I'm afraid of trying it, but I will be brave and do my best to sing without fear.
I just wish that wasn't such a contradiction of terms.