Today, I resolve to let go of the things I cannot change; to let go of the things I want to change; to live with things as they are, without waiting for them to change.
To live with them without wanting them to change.
and I came face to face with the fact that the word "want," has quite a range of meaning. It can express desire from a whim to an aching void; it can be used in the context of an order of french fries or a heart's desire.
For a very long time, I have been in want of something that is out of my ability to achieve. It has been a deep hole in my life; an aching emptiness that I am unable to fill. My wanting has not made it happen; my wanting has only made me sad. I haven't wanted to give up that wanting; I wanted to hold on to it. Although it has made me miserable, I did not want to let go.
And then, suddenly, I knew I must. Why now? Nothing changed; my want is neither nearer nor further away than it has ever been; it is still something I would prefer, but it is no longer a deep, aching, empty lacking. I don't want it that way any more; I want peace and happiness more, so I have let go of it.
We don't always get what we want.
2 comments:
Love to read about your important resolution. Letting go of some things makes life easier (if we manage to let go completely, which is the hardest part). Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Your prose is as lovely as your beaded creations. Thank you for sharing such a deeply felt and personal story. It has touched my life and made me think, too, of the wanting that I hold onto, also to no avail. Want is a four letter word that doesn't translate to love, although it often masquerades as such. Good luck with letting go!
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